Writing sex is no laughing matter!
Actually, as a writer of erotic romantic comedy I think it is. Comedy is very subjective. I mean if you fell on your arse in the snow I would probably laugh until I died from lack of oxygen to the brain, you, on the other hand, may not see the funny side. Some readers might beat their chests and swoon at the thought of taking something as romantic and moving as a first sexual encounter and making it funny. But, hey, sometimes life is like that. Haven’t we all tried to look sexy as we strip off only to fall over as we try to tug off our jeans or suddenly realize the granny panties we put on for comfort four or five hours ago really don’t suit the mood now?
I like to take the ridiculous and make it work. Male Order, Volume One in my reigning men series includes Meg, a young girl with a less than stellar record in the old bedroom department, a studly young flat mate who loves to masturbate loudly, a frigid mother and an octogenarian nymphomaniac great aunt. Now, if that doesn’t give you enough to work with when writing comedy, how about tossing a new job at the poor young heroine? Um, how about being persuaded to help out her best friend with her male escort business? Even better, let’s make it that the escort business is a cover for prostitution. Meg only discovers the truth when she is arrested for being a pimp, her great aunt is arrested for being a John and the male prostitute… well let’s just not go there!
Male Review, Volume Two in my Reigning Men series, due out 28 May with Liquid Silver Books continues the madness.
A nymphomaniac octogenarian great aunt, a frigid mother, and a BDSM male strip club, what could possibly go wrong?
Sam Stephens and Meg Riley are in love, and finally on the cusp of sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow. That is until Meg’s Great Aunt Maud, the octogenarian nymphomaniac, gets tossed out of the old folk’s home and moves in with them, closely followed by her polar opposite, Meg’s scarily frigid mother.
Meg’s best friend Laura convinces Aunt Maud to invest in Male Review, a BDSM-themed male strip joint. For Meg, it’s just one more step along the path to disaster, made even worse when former prostitute Michael is hired as the bar manager. After all, Laura’s last venture ended with Meg being arrested as a pimp. And Michael’s to blame for the crazies invading Meg’s home, and even worse, he still has the hots for her.
If she wants to get her life back, all Meg needs to do is find a new home for Maud, resolve the dispute between her warring parents, keep Michael at arm’s length, and rescue her relationship with Sam before it disintegrates completely. Male Review appears to be just one more problem to deal with, but perhaps it could provide an unexpected solution.
Sam thought about detouring into his bedroom, but instead he kept going until he got to the bathroom. Meg would be more relaxed with a locked door between them and her aunt. Nothing was going to stop him now, not even Maud. A man could only live with the woman he loved and hold her at arm’s length for so long. Not that he wanted to make out in front of the old lady. She didn’t need anything else to rev her engine, but something had to give, and right now his balls were aching with a fierce desire like never before.
He swung the door open, stepped inside, and dragged Meg in with his free hand before she had a chance for second thoughts. Although, from the way her pupils dilated, her soft pink lips slightly parted and nipples pressed hard against her nightwear, he doubted she had a coherent thought in her head. He wasn’t far behind her. If he didn’t re-consummate his love for her soon, he was going to explode.
He pushed the door shut and turned the lock before pinning her against it. Her breasts squashed against his bare chest, the warm fabric of her night dress the only barrier between them. When she brushed her lips over his the pulse in his groin quickened. He needed to take a moment or he would shoot his wad before she was even close to orgasm, and their relationship didn’t work that way. They had rules. No release for him without at least one for her. The thought of her pussy pulsating around him didn’t help any. With a soft moan, he pushed away, making some space between them. She was too short for sex in the shower to work without added elevation, but he had the problem in hand.
He passed her the ice cream and spoon, and then opened the cupboard door. He turned around with a huge grin on his face and her best pair of fuck-me sandals swinging from his index finger.
“You little bugger. I’ve been looking all over for those.”
“I figured I might as well keep them handy. Never know when you could have a shower emergency and need them.”
“What, like a having to call a plumber kind of emergency?”
Sam stepped closer, pinning her to the door with his body. A tide of lust swept through him and settled as a hardening pulse in his erect manhood. “I can be your plumber, painter, or anything else you need. I’m always available to be your tool man.”
Meg dipped the spoon into the ice cream, and then dribbled the cool confection over Sam’s pecs.
Leaning forward, she lapped at his skin. Her perfect mouth did things to him no other woman ever had. Gasping for air, he purred beneath her hot tongue—if he had been a rocket, she would have just lit his fuse with that move.
Sam dipped his finger into the dessert and slipped it between her lips before replacing his finger with his tongue. They played tongue tag as the deliciously cool treat melted in their mouths. With a loud moan, Meg dropped the tub to the floor and wrapped her arms around his neck. The spoon landed on the gleaming white ceramic tiles with an ear shattering clatter and they both froze.
Meg pulled back and swallowed before whispering, “Do you think she heard us?”
He listened for a moment, and then shook his head. “Nope, thankfully she’s as deaf as a post. So, let’s make the most of our time alone.”
Meg fought the urge to cover herself when he glided her already open robe and her nightdress off her shoulders and down her arms. Even though she had been dieting for a couple of weeks and Sam said he loved all her girly curves, she was still a tiny bit self-conscious about being nude in front of him. Apparently oblivious to her concerns, he eased her night attire to the floor, along with her sensible cotton panties.
He cupped her breasts and smothered them with kisses. All thoughts about who was nude with whom and how they looked evaded her. She stifled a moan when he moved to trail kisses over her stomach and ever closer to her aching center. How the hell had they kept their hands off each other for a month?
His voice sounded muffled as he kissed her heated mound. “Uh huh?”
“Have you been … been … been … oh … God … your tongue … I … have you been jacking off?”
A deep chuckle sent a wave of warm breath between her now parted thighs. “Nope, I’ve been saving myself for you.”
She buried her fingers in his hair and sucked air between her teeth when he finally teased her pulsing clit with the very tip of his tongue. If he did that many more times, she would teeter into the oblivion of orgasm before the wild stallion trotted out of his stall.
After one last flick of his tongue, he turned his attention to her feet. He slipped her sandals on, and then stood up. When he hooked his thumbs in the sides of his boxers, she grabbed at him.
He grinned, put his hands behind his head rippling his pecs, and watched through hooded lids as she eased his rigid cock free, slipping his underwear to the floor.
At eye level with her heart’s desire, she couldn’t resist some teasing of her own. She wrapped her fingers around his steely shaft and softly licked at the sensitive skin just below the swollen head. His blood pulsed beneath her touch and she would swear to God his dick grew another inch.
With a growl, he pulled her to her feet and reached in to turn the shower taps on. Apparently happy the water was warm enough, he walked her backward into the shower cubicle and slid the glass door shut. His mouth stifled her squeal of complaint when her back hit the cool tile wall. Clearly, washing wasn’t on the agenda. Not that she was complaining. Being clean was overrated.
Sam’s kiss was bruising. All the pent up frustration of a month with no sex was in his kiss. She returned the rabid embrace with matching ferocity. If he didn’t get his cock inside her in the next twenty seconds, she would scream, Aunt Maud or no Aunt Maud. Desperate to consummate their illicit tryst, they fumbled madly like a couple of virgins. With a growl of protest, Sam dragged her left leg over his hip. With no more than a cursory slide of his fingers the length of her hot, wet slit, he positioned himself for entry.
Meg gasped for air, already on the brink of release, when a light bulb went on in her head.
Sam closed his eyes and fought for breath, his chest rising and falling as he leaned against her full breasts.
“They’re in my room. Have you got one?”
Meg groaned and shook her head. How could they have finally found a few minutes alone in a locked room and have no condoms? She stared into Sam’s eyes, dark with passion, and she reached between them and grasped his steely rod. “I don’t care. I’ve waited four weeks for this.”
Sam swallowed. “I’ll pull out before I come and you can finish me with your hand.”
This was madness. She knew enough about Sam’s sexual history to know she only risked one thing. Even without him coming inside her she could get knocked up, but right now she didn’t care. Meg nodded her agreement, and then her eyelids fluttered as he slid his cock home. They rocked together. He mapped her neck and face with his tongue and lips and she grabbed his butt, holding him tight to her as he lengthened his stroke and slipped ever deeper. Her pussy rippled with pent up need, welcoming the wild invader home. When he palmed the back of her thigh and slid his hand closer to her swollen, needy bud, she moaned into his mouth. One flick of his calloused fingertip sent her into spasms of near ecstasy and elicited a grunt of approval from her wet and wild lover. One more touch and she would orgasm. She knew Sam would never hold back, and she realized she didn’t want him to.
“Sam, I love you.”
“I love you too.” He kissed her fiercely, and she knew today could well be the day she made her mother’s life by conceiving her first grandchild.
“Meg? Meg?” Fists pounded on the door. “Meg, are you in there? I need to use the toilet. I think I’ve had a wet dream. Mr. Drabinski says he has them all the time. That’s why his trousers are always damp.”
Meg groaned with frustration. Not now, not when they were just about to … God, Sam was shrinking fast. His cock flopped out of her and she dropped to her knees with a moan of, “No, no,” intent on giving his manhood mouth to mouth.
Sam let out a growl and slammed his hand into the shower wall. “Give it up, Meg. She’s hell bent on ruining our lives.”
“Meg, who are you talking to?”
Look for it at the bookstores below!