Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Gay Spa

By A.J. Llewellyn

So I'm having a book launch next week and my brother blew into town from his home in Paris to be a part of it. He arrived with his French girlfriend who somehow knows more about what's hot in Los Angeles than I do. Not that I honestly care what's hot in Los Angeles, unless it's the weather.
But I digress.
She insisted that I needed a facial and a treatment from somebody called Helga.
"A.J." - she sneered in her French way my brother finds charming but reduces me to an insecure puddle on the floor - " 'ave you ever 'ad a facial?"
She skewered me with an indignant look and I heard her muttering "Neanderthal" as she pulled out her French cell phone and tapped away with her long fingernails.
While my brother got to go out and record his music, I was dragged to an apartment in Encino where I saw a young woman limping out of the building. She whimpered as she came down the stairs.
Hot tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Miracle worker,"she breathed. I was mystified.
Another girl followed also in a seemingly injured condition. As we sat waiting our turn, I heard screams and cries coming out of the inner recesses of Helga's apartment.
"She does this treatment that if you hate to exercise, but love food, she pounds the fat out of your body," one girl told me. I eyed her in a frightened way. She was skeletal. I'm thinking she could use a sanwich, not having somebody pound non-existent fat from her body.
My brother's girlfriend rifled through pages of Paris Match just daring me to make a run for it.
Women in immaculate shape would walk in, disappear to a back room with Helga, a tall blonde woman who was muscular and sweet until she got her hands on you.
These same women would then come out limping and sobbing and PAY the woman to toss them around the room.
"I want to go home," I hollered when it was my turn.
Helga pulled me along the corridor. I could smell melons...then chastised myself for my obsession with food.
"Take all your clothes off," Helga shouted, pushing me into a room and closing the door. It was a bathroom. I took everything off and the door flew open.
"Put your clothes back on!" another woman shrieked. She seemed really freaked out. I did as I was told and when Helga returned, I was petrified by the manic look in her eye.
I wondered how many bones I would break if I threw myself out of the bathroom window.
She didn't apologize when I told her what happened. She threw a robe at me and barked at me to take everything off.
From another room, I heard an ear-piercing scream and I ran from the apartment. I mowed down a money tree in the entrance - is this bad luck?? - and I did what any sensible man would do. Gay or straight.
I went to my car, fired up the engine and blasted the horn until my brother's girlfriend reluctantly joined me.
"Neanderthal," she muttered.
Damn straight.

Aloha oe,



SaturnMoonie said...

Howdy, I just started following this blog, so I guess I'm a little bit slow. But I gotta ask...

Was this a TRUE story? Or was it just a STORY??? And either way OMG!!!

AJ Llewellyn said...

It's a true story Saturnmoonie. Glad you enjoyed it!

sandra said...

As always AJ your stories are wonderful & entertaining...thanks so much for sharing them with us. and I am glad Helga didnt get her hands on you...who knows she may have done some serious damage to your beautiful self!


Wendi said...

Hell spa is more like it! What was that woman doing to those people? I would have made a run for it too. I'm into pleasure, not pain. :)

Thanks for another great story, A.J.

Wendi Darlin

Jambrea said...

OMG! You have me in tears! lol Good thinking with running to the car! heehee

Karen Johnson said...

That was the spa from hell! The story was too funny! Thanks for making my day!

AJ Llewellyn said...

Thanks for the comments everyone! Glad you enjoyed this. My brother said I was mad to go in the first place. That's what I get for trying to 'bond' with his girlfriend!

Jambrea said...

AJ...you need to stop trying to bond with your brother's girlfriend. It could be harmful! lol

Angi said...

sigh ... AJ my love come here to me and I'll teach you how to give HER a look that could turn her into a puddle of insecure goo on the floor LOL

I really need to come hang out with you. You know some of the strangest people LOL

Good idea on the running :)

Nitaelf said...

First off why the hell would you need to take all of your cloths off for a freaking facial?

And Second: AJ don't you dare let that French bitch make you feel less then you are. You are one of the sweetest guys I know, and just from your pics alone, YOU DON'T NEED A FACIAL! But if you do ever want to try it by a real expert, they are relaxing and soothing.

I've only ever had one in my entire life and that was done by a student at the Beauty College here in Klamath Falls, OR. And she nearly put me to sleep it was so damn good. BUT I didn't need to take all of my cloths off to do it.

You tell Frenchy to leave you a lone or I'm comin down there to give her a French Manicure she will never forget!

Love Nita

Sophia Danu said...

oh my AJ!! LOL! Don't take her advice anymore! :)

AJ Llewellyn said...

I love all these comments but Nita offering to give her a French manicure she'll never forget has me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!!